Mary Poppins Is Fine With Puerto Rico Fiscal Control Board

[Special to the Blog About the Global Archipelago–ORLANDO] “I think HR 5278 has taken a bad rap, and it’s kind of unfair,” said Mary Poppins Tuesday about the new bill designed to help restructure Puerto Rico’s $72 billion debt passed by the House Natural Resources Committee last week. “I think it has a lot of…promise.”

Poppins, speaking from her Disneyworld condominium, suggested that, despite objections to the bill’s imposition of a colonial fiscal oversight board, commonwealth residents should take heart and realize that “just a spoonful of sugar” will help the bitter medicine go down. On the advice of Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher in 1985, Poppins was an early investor in Puerto Rico muni bonds, and currently holds $1.3 million of the debt.

“I don’t know about you but I think Paul Ryan is hot,” she smiled as a gentle breeze rustled the gladiolas carefully arranged on her terrace. “I think if you have a problem with this bill you’re probably a loser. Besides, if it bums you out so much you can always move here! I know some slammin lechoneras in Kissimmee.” Poppins explains that through her love for the new Rican nightlife in Orlando she has become “heavy into Grupo Manía and early Elvis Crespo.”

While generally pleased about Mary Poppins Returns, the remake in development at Disney starring Hamilton’Lin Manuel Miranda, she is disappointed it won’t entail using hip hop culture to empower urban youth by allowing them to “own” stories of magical nannies and chimney sweeps in 1930s London. As for the casting of Emily Blunt in the lead role, Poppins’ tone grew skeptical; “I would have preferred Azealia Banks. Girl is woke.”

Poppins, who spends most of the year doing Ted Talks on magical nanny entrepreneurship, managing a think tank about sustainable global sustainability and practicing “something I call cold lampin” scoffed at rumors that Poppins’ creator PL Travers and Walt Disney were Nazi sympathizers. “I mean, you have to consider the times they lived in,” said Poppins. “I can tell you that even Dick Van Dyke was a bit of an asshole.”

Mary Poppins Returns is scheduled for a Christmas 2018 release


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