I know, March Madness is about college basketball, but well, this post is about Living in Spanglish, which means Noche Latina in the éne-bé-a. You might remember my somewhat incoherent, yet visionary story about Pablo Prigioni and the Rise of Latinos in the NBA last year, or well, maybe you don’t. Anyway the awkward éne-bé-a promotion is back this year, featuring several NBA teams wearing (short-sleeved) jerseys proclaiming their names in “Spanglish,” producing awkward logos like “Los Spurs” and “El Heat.” (There’s also this confusing yet kind of exhilarating spot starring El Gran Boricua del Basket Carmelo Anthony.)

I understand that the marketing heads don’t want to interrupt the precious consumer flow in our Spanglish heads by actually translating the names of the teams, like an older generation of Latinos and Latin Americans did with beisból equipos. Like when your dad would call the Pirates Los Piratas or the Giants Los Gigantes. But it occurred to me that if the éne-bé-a actually translated some of these team names they’d have to use the feminine article (la!), and wouldn’t that be a little threatening to some of us, no? So, in an effort to have a little fun with this absurd marketing bonanza, we’re going to, as a public service, publish the current NBA standings in español, just so you know exactly who you’re rooting for, and what gender they correspond to:

Conferencia del Este

División Atlántico

1)    Los Velociraptores

2)    Las Redes

3)    Los Calzones Cortos y Anchos que Usaban las Primeras Familias Holandesas de Nueva York

4)    Los Celtas

5)    Los del Año ‘76

División Central 

1)    Los Moderadores de Paso

2)    Los Toros

3)    Los Caballeros

4)    Los Pistones

5)    Los Ciervos

División Sureste

1)    El Calor

2)    Los Magos

3)    Los Linces

4)    Los Halcones

5)    La Magia

Conferencia del Oeste

 División Noroeste

1)    El Trueno

2)    Los Abrecaminos

3)    Los Lobos Grises

4)    Las Pepitas

5)    El Jazz

División Pacífico

1)    Los Clipers

2)    Los Guerreros

3)    Los Soles

4)    Los Reyes

5)    Los Lagueros

División Suroeste

1)    Las Espuelas

2)    Los Cohetes

3)    Los Terneros No Marcados

4)    Los Osos Grises

5)    Los Pelicanos